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I keep saying to myself, I should have known. I should have known...
There are things that I should have made clear to you a long time ago. And I will make you aware of them now. Because I need to. I need to get this out.
Were things too rushed? Probably. I see that now, and you needed more time mentally to heal. I didn't mean for it to be rushed though. I saw how hurt you were from your break up, and that hurt me a lot, because I was going through a break up too. Obviously completely different situations, but none the less sad. It hurts to lose one of your best friends. It hurts to know that they didn't feel the same way anymore. It hurts to lose that comfortable and familiar feeling, right? Seeing you hurting, really made me sad. As stupid as it seems, it took me a lot of courage to reach out to you when I gave you the song to listen to. I was fighting with myself, "should I say something, am I being too forward? At least he'll know that someone wants to comfort him." I finally pressed the send button because I said, screw all this insecurity.
I was happy to talk to you and receive those long emails again, and when we planned to hang out, I don't think you even know how happy that made me. And nervous too. For me, all of this was like a second chance. A second chance at something I had really wanted in the past and it didn't work out. To be honest... you had never fully left my mind. There were these nagging leftover feelings in my heart. You probably don't even know how much I really liked you two years ago. And I pushed those feelings away for the past two years and didn't pay attention to them until they resurfaced recently. And they came back hard. So I was thinking, maybe I'll finally get what I want. Maybe things are finally working out, and fate is on my side and the timing is right. And so I went for it, I wasn't going to let it go again. I wasn't going to let this slip away. And then when we started "going out", you really did make me so happy. I thought it felt right.
I had originally planned to be cautious still, though. When we were just talking at first and then started to hang out. Because I hadn't forgotten about the things that happened two years ago... But I liked you so much that I ignored all of that and let my guard down too easily. I wholeheartedly went into this relationship thinking it was for the long term. I went into it with all my heart, all the feelings that had built up all that time and came back recently. I went into it thinking that, even though we both just experienced a lot of heartbreak, we could help each other move on. I went into it feeling like you had felt the same way too. I thought that you had finally seen how similar we are. It had always made sense to me. We are so alike in our minds and in our hearts. I thought you saw that and something had clicked like it had with me a long time ago.
Yes, I guess I did want to be saved. It's silly, but to me, you are the closest thing to a prince charming that I know. That romantic side to you, it matched mine so perfectly. But I wanted to save you too. Did you not want to be saved? Maybe you would have preferred to save yourself, even though someone was there and willing to do whatever it took? I thought we could do that together. But I do understand the concept, you need to help yourself before you can help others. And yeah, I have a lot of baggage. I have a lot of things going on right now in my life, with stress from school, and stress from my family. Not to mention my self harm problems and everything else. So I get it.
This past weekend, though, was horrible. And I really wonder what would have happened if I did actually go with you.
I should have known, because it took you forever to answer my texts, even though you probably had your phone on you the whole time. We're part of the same generation, it's not like I don't know how these things work. And I should have known when you didn't text me on Valentine's day. You really hurt me that day. I was sad because I couldn't be with you, and I had prepared you homemade chocolates and this stupid card about tea. I woke up early and waited for your text. By the afternoon, I just finally decided to text you. And you're answer was half-hearted. And then you ignored me. Not going to lie, Valentine's day is commercialized and lame. But to me, those little things mean a lot to me. I was such an idiot, all excited and waiting for you. And I gave you the benefit of the doubt. "Oh, maybe his phone is broken, maybe it didn't send to him. Maybe he sent me something but I didn't get it?"...You hurt me. It hurt to realize I was being ignored.
But you know what gets me... This is not the first time this exact situation has happened. And I am so naive for this. Two years ago when we started to text a lot, like everyday, I was really happy. Remember I had that awful internship with the art teacher? That was leading right up to the Sakura Fest when I went to see you. So we're texting, and you tell me you can't wait to see me and I get on this train with my friends and make them come to Philly with me. We see each other, I get really happy and excited, and you say that we'll text later... And then nothing. And nothing, and even more nothing, for a long time. I'm not sure if I've ever told you how sad that made me. And I'm not prepared to tell you everything... because it's very heavy. But I liked you so much at that time, and I put my heart out there. I didn't know what I did wrong. And of course I know now, I didn't do anything wrong. Just like this past weekend, I blamed myself, thinking that maybe you were upset that I couldn't go or something like that. But no, I didn't do anything wrong. I mean, you weren't even thinking about me. I don't know how else to express how much of an idiot I feel for letting this happen.
And I can't not express my true feelings right now because I believe that I need to explain myself to you so you understand. So, please, just let me tell you how I really feel.
This is the hard part for me because I don't want to believe it but I can't think of anything else. After what you said to me in your text, and after thinking about the past, I feel used. I was a distraction. Then and now. Here I am, thinking I'm finally with the person I want to be with. Silly.
Did you really think I was special? Did you feel something for me? When we first met? Or more recently when we were together? In your basement watching doctor who, walking around your park... did you ever actually see me? I mean really see me. Did you really get to know me or were you always comparing me to her from the start? I just...I need to know.
I think I may sound crazy saying all of this because us actually being "together" was only recently, but you have to understand that I'm thinking on a scale of when we met and my feelings that sat lingering in my heart for so long. Now they are in a limbo because I'm upset and mad and sad but... I can't just get rid of my feelings like that. And I can't know what's going on unless you stop ignoring me and we talk about this. At least give me that, a truthful conversation. Because here we both are, hurting again. And I don't know what's going on.